Rebel
by Nomannic
Summary: Sequel to Trickster. Miku's lost her memory, has a new job, and is striving for the love of her life, Hatori. But why does it feel like by loving him, she's cheating on another? Kyo/OC/Hatori.
1. Nightmares

**Rebel**

**Chapter Title: **_Nightmares_  
**Pairings: **_N/A for now._  
**Warnings:** _Violence; mental disorders; minor language_  
**Notes:** _This is the sequel to Coyote. Don't fret, I'll be writing it as a separate piece, but do let me know if I accidentally leave something unclear._

Gunshots. Loud, thunderous blast from a hand gun. Growling. Screaming. Sirens

Miku jolted upright in bed, gasping for air, eyes wide and wild, tears streaming down her cheeks. Something was screaming. She shut her mouth immediately, unable to stop the choked sobs and tears. She clutched the blankets close, burying her face in them.

Soon, someone knocked on her door. She didn't trust her voice, so she stayed silent. Finally, she stopped sobbing and crying.

Ayame walked in, smiling brightly.

"Of good morning, my sweet sunshine, you are more glorious than even the purest of angels this fine morning!"

Miku gave a small, bit off giggle. It had just a hint of hysteria in it, but she ignored that. Ayame's smiled brightened, his eyes getting into it now. He walked over to her bedside table, setting down a tea tray.

"How is your morning so far, _mon chere_?"

Miku's smile fell. She pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them, and stared evenly at the door across from her bed.

"I'll be okay."

"Fabulous." Miku giggled at his choice of word, and Ayame grinned at her. He walked over to the curtains, opening them wide and letting sunlight in through the gauzy second layer.

"Your photo shoot is in two hours, Miichan. Would you like any help?"

"Thanks for the offer, but I think I can manage getting dressed Ayame." He smiled, and for a brief second, Miku thought it was sad.

Ayame was hiding something from her. He always had been.

Ayame nodded, and left the room.

Miku got too her feet, pouring herself the tea. Little heart-shaped cookies were on the tray, just like every morning.

"_Did you make these, Ayame?" Miku asked, biting down into a heart-shaped snicker doodle. _

"_No."_

"_Then who? They're delicious."_

"_I'll tell her you said so."_

"_Who, though?"_

_Ayame turned, no longer smiling. "It's not important right now."_

Miku sighed. So many things. So many confusing things.

She took one of the cookies, chowing down on it while she turned on the shower.

She laughed bitterly as the hot water scorched her back. She had thrown up in this shower so many times before.

Six months ago, Miku had been a hopeless drunk. She had done meth for a couple months, and it destroyed her memory. She forgot most of her childhood, and everything that happened those couple of months. It had been terrifying, waking up in a hospital with the last thing she remembered getting ready for her first day of highschool.

Had something happened? Had she been hit by a car? Were her first thoughts. Then she finds out that had been seven months earlier.

So she'd gotten over the addiction by the time her memory started working, because the head of the family Akito Sohma had payed for high-class medical treatments to literally flush her body of it. And she fell into a depression, making up for the drugs with alchohal.

But Ayame had saved her. He'd given her a job, a home, a future, and comfort. He was her friend.

But, no, Ayame wasn't her lover.

She loved the doctor.


	2. Role Model

**Rebel**

**Chapter Title: **_Role Model_  
**Pairings: **_N/A for now._  
**Warnings:** _Violence; mental disorders; minor language_  
**Notes:** _This is the sequel to Coyote. Don't fret, I'll be writing it as a separate piece, but do let me know if I accidentally leave something unclear. And yes, this is a tragic romance. It'll get soppy. Bare with me. _

"Good, good. Miku, darling, you look gorgeous. Now just put your foot on the yellow square, and twist your right shoulder towards me. Do something cute. Like "don't you wanna cuddle and hug and squeeze me?" cute. Uh-huh. Perfecto!" The photographer grinned, snapping the last shot. Miku giggled, relaxing from the position. She had been modeling the new kitsune-fetish line of clothing for the winter. It was all ready late fall.

Ayame applauded, and Mine rushed forward to help get the fur coat back in its protective bag.

Miku blushed at the applause. "Glad I'm appreciated."

"Wonderfully so!"

Miku's phone beeped, and she jumped. Her calendar. She had something to do today turned to talk to the photographer while Miku dug the cell phone from the bottomless pits of her purse, and flipped it open.

_Doctor's Appointment  
- Hatori_ :3

Miku blushed, quickly deleating it. Her heart rate sped up, and she smiled like a buffoon.

Ha'ri. She was going to go see Ha'ri in an hour.

"Ayame! I need your assistance!" Miku called excitedly as Ayame finished escorting the photographer out.

"Yes, princess?" He chirped, following her back to her dressing room.

"I need an outfit!" Ayae cocked his head to the side like a puppydog.

"For what, fair maiden?"

"I've got a doctor's appointment!" Recognition crawled across Ayame's face. He grinned, hugging her tightly.

"Oh what a tragic romance! The young, heartbroken doctor, and his fiery model patient who pines for his attention yet never receives more than a picnic!"

Miku pried herself from Ayame, rolling her eyes, and started going through the clothes in the store. Ayame had given her permission long ago that she could have whatever she wanted here.

Ayame and Mine began to assist in the search as well, and soon, they found a gorgeous wool skirt lined with fake wolf fur, boots, stockings, a turtleneck, scarf and jacket. It was all ready snowing in Kaibara in November.

Ayame escorted her out the store, and to her bicycle. She thanked him, then rode off down the streets towards the Sohma Estate, fear and anxiety suddenly clenching tight in her stomach.


	3. Stay Away

**Rebel**

**Chapter Title: **_Stay Away_  
**Pairings: **_N/A for now._  
**Warnings:** _Violence; abuse; implied incest; domestic abuse; torture; drug-use._  
**Notes:** _This is the sequel to Coyote. Don't fret, I'll be writing it as a separate piece, but do let me know if I accidentally leave something unclear._

Miku hovered over the doorstep, nervous. Should she go in? Could she?

Her entire body trembled with sudden, choking fear. Akito would be in there.

Would they cross paths?

But Miku walked in. If she missed her appointment, Akito would seek her out. 8/10, she'd rather stumble across him.

Turns out she should have skipped.

She walked down the halls, feeling like she was running in water. Her movements were exaggerated and slow to her, even though it was her movements.

Her footsteps echoed, ringing out in low, hollow thumps. She held her breath and tiptoed as she neared Akito's room, and once she passed it, she breath a sigh of relief, shoulders sagging.

Then she felt his hands on her hips. She shrieked in surprise, startled and flinching. She was thrown to the side by a harsh backhand slap.

"Silence," he hissed. Miku nodded, numbly, eyes wild with fear. Slowly, her brain shut down, guarding her, protecting what sanity she had left with this cruel man. Her entire body shook with small, cold tremors. Cold sweat trickled down her back.

Akito stood before her, hands on hips, head cocked to the side. "You look a little… extravagant for just a doctors appointment." He wrapped the word "appointment" around his tongue, rolling it till it was dirty.

Miku shivered. She never wanted to hear that voice in function, not again.

Akito smirked, satisfied with her response. "Oh, my poor little puppy, whatever shall you do?" He laughed darkly, and Miku realized something was wrong with Akito.

Someone had pissed him off, and he had found her too take it out on. Damn.

Akito leaned forward, bracing himself on his knees, smiling cruelly. "Come into my parlor," He whispered in her ear, leaning closer. He pressed a kiss to the side of her neck, slowly, lazily, wetly, as he pulled away, a line of spittle dangling from his mouth. Miku couldn't resist making a face, but instantly regretted it when she was backhanded again.

"I said _inside_!" He growled out. A maid at the end of the hall dropped her empty tea tray. She gathered it and made herself scarce.

Miku stumbled up to her feet, and Akito grabbed her by the hair, towing her into his room. He slammed the door behind them, locking it immediately.

The room was almost completely dark. Some light filtered in from his view of the garden, and a few candles flickered dimly, losing hope.

Miku suddenly felt claustrophobic. She sunk to her knees in front of him, and Akito stood above her like the god he thought he was.

"Oh, does this bring back memories, my little _trickster_." Miku flinched. Her title was dragged out, syllable by syllable being bit off, voice heavy with eroticism. "But you're much better behaved now, aren't you?" He said sweet as honey, crouching down to be at eye level with her. He gripped her chin in his hands, forcing her to look at him. "Aren't you?"

Miku nodded as best she could with fleshy steel bands holding her chin in place.

Akito's grip tightened painfully. Miku made a face, and Akito grinned, face chocked full of sadistic joy.

"Yes, better, but you still have much to learn. Such a selfish, indignant child." Akito dropped her face, only to openhand slap her. Miku was tossed onto her side. She lay there, making herself as little a target as possible. Akito dragged her to her feet faster than she could stand, and shoved her onto her back on the bed.

She gasped, scared and surprised, and his mouth was on hers instantly, like a ravenous animal, his tongue shoved in her mouth, eating her from the inside out. She went limp, letting him have his way. Suddenly, her head was yanked back by her hair, the roots torn loose.

"Ah!" she cried out, neck jerking back painfully.

"Silence!" Akito hissed, punctuating the demand with a backhanded slap. Miku bit her cheek, tasting blood.

"You selfish, filthy, worthless, animal! You are mine; you will obey me." Miku nodded, despite the pain in her scalp.

Akito scowled, releasing her. "Leave me. Leave me to rot, and go see your _precious doctor_." Akito stepped back, and turned, staring at the wall. His words had been bitter; almost regretful.

"Akito?" Miku whispered, scared and worried. Even after all of his bullshit, for some inexplicable reason, she cared for him. For he _was_ her God. And the coyote was loyal, to the end, no matter what.

Akito stiffened at her tone of voice, hands clenched in fists. "Leave," he whispered, voice scraped raw.

"Aki-"

"Leave!!" He screeched, shoulders hunching, head tossed forward as he stared at the wall.

She didn't wait for him to tell her again. She left immediately, sprinting out the door.

The numbing effect of the adrenaline faded as she ran, until she collapsed in front of Hatori's offices, gasping, crying.

She fell down onto her side in the snow, shivering teeth clattering as she hiccupped and sobbed, the tears freezing on her cheeks.

Hatori opened his door, staring down at her sadly.

He pulled her to her feet, much gentler than Akito ever had, careful not to the already-forming bruises.

She wouldn't be able to model for several days.

She quickly reduced her frantic crying to mere sniffles and hiccups, cheeks red from the cold, and her shame. She steadied herself, standing carefully on her feet, regaining her balance.

Hatori shut the door behind her, holding a towel and a steaming cup of tea. He waited patiently as Miku brushed the powdered snow off of herself. When she was snow-free, he helped wrap the towel around her, and handed her the tea, with the command of "drink".

Miku took a sip of tea, the scalding, bitter taste clearing her head. She followed Hatori into the exam room.

She scooted onto the window seat, close to the heater, and braced her tea between her knees.

Hatori grabbed a mug of coffee, and took a long drink, staring at his clipboard.

"Akito, I presume?" He asked, reffering to her new bruises.

"Yeah," she whispered, staring into her teacup.

"What happened?"

Miku shrugged, and winced at the pain the action brought on. "He's mad at me, I think. Did I do something while I was… away?" Miku felt awful, ashamed. Hatori was too good for her.

She was just an animal.

Hatori shook his head, setting his coffee back down as he swallowed. "No; that's not it." He sighed, and made an effort to change the topic of conversation. "How are you feeling besides that? Any fallbacks?" He was referring to the meth addiction that had put her into a coma thirteen months ago.

"No. I've been to busy with work."

"Good. How is your book getting along?" He asked, getting to his feet.

"It's getting. Barely. I have to go back and edit the entire thing again because I'm removing a major character."

"That sounds annoying," he mumbled, going over her chart.

"Eh," She said, shrugging as he came back over.

"Breathe normally," he ordered, pulling up her shirt and pressing the stethoscope to her chest. Her breath hitched and her heart stopped, despite her efforts. Butterflies swarmed in her stomach. He moved around, then too her back, and then put the stethoscope down on his desk, marking something on her chart.

"Are you eating right?" He asked as he switched the cap on the earlight.

"Mhm." She winced as he checked her ears.

"Sleeping enough? Getting your college prep-work done?"

She made a face. "Sleep? Yes. College? _Hell no_."

Hatori leaned back on his heels, eyes stern.

"College is your only escape from this, Miichan," he said, gesturing to her bruises. His eyes saddened.

"I don't want to be a doctor, Ha'ri." She stared down at her hands, neatly folded in her lap. "And I don't want to leave."

Hatori let out a soft, tired sigh. He didn't understand her sometimes. "Why not?"

She looked up, meeting his eyes firmly, trying to tell him her whole heart with her eyes. "It's complicated."

"Is it a boy?" Hatori asked, turning his back to her. For a second, he reminded her of Akito, voice bitter and regretful.

"Yes."

It's you.


	4. Sunset

Chapter Title: Sunset  
Pairings: Implied Hatori/OC  
Warnings: Mild language  
Disclaimer:_ Hapi_ is a real brand of drink. I do not own Hapi or Fruits Basket. I only own Miku, but I don't really care about her, so, ne...  
Author's Notes: Happy Valentines day, everybody! This story will have several more chapters, and I've got almost the whole thing written out, so sit tight and enjoy the ride!

The skyline of Kaibara City looked like it was on fire. The sunset blazed over tall steel buildings, making them glow and reflect the flaming lights of the sun. Pink and red danced erotically across the sky, licking each other as they melted to purple and bled into gray-gold rain clouds.

Miku watched the spectacle in awe, sitting beside Hatori on a picnic blanket. She took a sip from a _Hapi_ soda, and glanced over at him.

He was smiling, softly, his skin glowing bronze in the sunset. Miku's heart skipped a beat. He was gorgeous.

Miku wasn't quite aware how long, but when Hatori turned to meet her eyes, the twilight was all ready fading. And even more to her surprise, his peaceful smile became a contented, happy one.

"Enjoying the view?" He teased, thick brown hair falling into his face. It was getting long again. She loved his hair when he grew it out.

Miku smirked. "Can I get a picture?"

Hatori chuckled. "I don't like pictures."

Miku laughed as well. "And I do."

They were silent as they packed up the picnic, packing away the food. As they began to fold the patchwork quilt, the last of their supplies, Hatori broke the silence.

"So who's the boy?"

Miku was so startled, she dropped her half of the quilt, and they had to start over. "Sorry; but where did _that_ come from?"

"You said a boy was why you didn't want to leave."

"Oh." Shit.

"You know the rules, Miku."

"I know, I know. But he's _special_. He's someone you know, even." She said, unable to meet his eyes as she put the quilt on top of the basket.

"Ayame?" No, dumbass, you. You.

"No," she said, laughing bitterly.

Hatori sighed, realizing she would tell him nothing.

It was silent again as he picked up the basket, and the pair walked away from the Sohma gardens and back to his office. Hatori opened the door, and she followed him to the kitchen, where they began to put things away. As they did, Hatori spoke again.

"Would you like to go to dinner with me on Friday?"

Oh, God yes! YES!! "Where?"

"A new indie restaurant opened downtown last week."

"I'd love to." It's a date.


	5. First Date

**Rebel**

**Chapter Title:** First Date  
**Pairings:** Implied Hatori/OC  
**Disclaimer:** Morning Musume is a peppy Japanese pop group of young girls. I claim no rights to them, their products, music, or Fruits Basket.

I had changed my clothes 13 times before 9 o'clock.

I was going to dinner with Hatori at 9pm. He was picking me up. I finally settled on a black skirt that clung to my hips, and then flared out. The black boots and stocking from last time I had seen him would keep my legs warm. A white cashmere sweater brought out the silver shimmer in my hair, and the hair itself was tied loosely up on the back of my head, loose tendrils cascading down my face in bouncy curls. A black scarf completed the outfit.

With a second thought, I added a coat.

Ayame walked in too the bathroom, just as I finished applying my makeup.

His eyes glittered appreciatively, and he smiled like a proud father. "Ha'ri-chan won't be able to keep his eyes off of you." He walked up to me, hugging me tightly. "Gorgeous, Miichan, you look gorgeous."

I blushed, returning the embrace. "I hope so."

He pulled away, gazing down at me, still smiling. "Well, believe me, you are."

I grinned, taking the compliment as it was. "Thanks, Aya. Did you come in here just to tell me that?"

"Sadly, no, my dear princess; Ha'ri is outside in his car."

"Oh, God." Suddenly, all of my nerves came in a rush, a flood of butterflies swimming in my stomach and head. I felt dizzy.

I did not exactly date often. It _was_ forbidden after all.

"It'll be fine. Relax," Ayame assured. "He's completely smitten with you."

"Thanks for the ego-boost, Aya." I sighed, gathering my courage in a deep breath. "Be nice to Mine while I'm gone." I kissed him on the cheek, grabbed a black leather purse, and rushed downstairs and outside. It was snowing, the white glitter crunching under my feet. The street lamps made the dark street sparkle like an ethereal dream.

My heart skipped a beat when I saw his black American SUV.

I climbed in, shutting the door quickly so the cold would not get in. It was toasty warm in the car, heat blowing on my toes and face. I felt like a pop tart.

I turned to smile at him, but stopped, my breath catching with fear. I raised a shaking hand to touch the bandage, as if I wasn't sure it was real or not. But it was real. Oh-so very real. The white tape and gauze marring his perfect cheek.

He didn't look at me, shoulders stiff as he started the car, and began to drive.

"Ha'ri…" I said, voice thick with sorrow. "What happened?"

He was silent, and my hand fell away. Pain seemed to thicken and grow in the air of the car, making it harder to breath. I held my hands in my lap, staring at him, worry etched in my face, making it seem older than it was.

"I told Akito I was taking you to dinner. I am sorry I was late." He didn't look at me as he said it, his voice strained, knuckles white on the steering wheel. He probably hurt.

"No; don't worry about that. It's fine." I looked out the window. "Did he hit you?"

"He threw his dinner plate at me."

I fought not to cry. _Hatori_ was the one in pain, not me. He needed my strength, my compassion, not a crying little girl.

"Is it serious?" I wondered. Maybe he needed to go home.

"No. Just a cut." I visibly relaxed.

"Does it hurt?"

"I took some pain killers. I'll be fine, Miku."

"Did you clean it?"

He looked at me, condescendingly, almost scathingly. I didn't believe it was Hatori looking at me for a second. "I am a doctor, Miku," his voice heavy with implication, and annoyance.

"Sheesh; whatever you say, _Doc_," I said, imitating bugs bunny.

He cracked a smile, small and weak, but still a smile. The tension eased. I could breathe again.

They pulled into the parking lot, and while I fumbled with my seatbelt, Hatori climbed out and got my door for me.

"Here," he mumbled, leaning over my lap and pressing the buckle. It clicked open.

I grinned, cheeks red with embarrassment. "Thanks."

He stepped back and offered me a hand. Still blushing, I took it. He helped me down from the car, and led me into the restaurant.

Still holding my hand, as if he'd forgotten he hadn't let go.

I didn't mind, reveling in the sensation of his smooth hands against mine, as we walked inside.

Hatori gave his last name to the concierge and he took our coats and scarves before leading us too a table. He told us our waitress would be there shortly, before he went off to answer the telephone. We took our seat.

"Wow; this place smells amazing," I said, wide-eyed with awe as I stared around. It was some kind of incense.

"I think its cinnamon," Hatori mumbled, smiling as he watched me gaze about. The mood was low, romantic, the lights dimmed, the sounds of some Arabic music soft, the restaurant decorated with Danu statues, Buddhist statues, woven tapestries over the windows, and pillows scattered about in rich gold's and purples.

"I'd hoped you'd like it. The curry here is supposed to be world-class," He said, bringing my attention to the most beautiful thing there.

Just then, the waitress, a pretty, mature woman came over. "The cook used to work in India; rumor says he's served the president there." She bowed. "I'm Kiki; I'll be your server for the night."

"Thank you," Hatori said. "We'll take some Jasmine tea," He glanced at me for objection. I shrugged, smiling, giving him the floor. I'd just let him order. "And two servings of your best curry."

"Over rice?"

"Yes, please/

"I'll have it out shortly." But as she turned to leave, she glanced back at me. "Pardon me if I'm being rude, but are you Mikumi Yuki, the model?"

I blushed, modestly, looking down at the table. I'd never had anyone recognize me outside of the store. Mikum-yuki was my first name, so I'd used it for my work Alias. "Uh, yes, I am."

She bowed again. "It's a pleasure to meet you. My husband adores your spring catalogs."

"Thank you." She left with a nodded farewell, and I put my face in my hands. "That was so awkward."

"Apparently you're gaining some prestige as a model." Hatori commented, light scorn in his voice. My choice of career was bout the only thing we disagreed on. And we fought over it all the time.

"Not here, not now; please, Hatori."

He sighed, eyes softening. "Why do you do it? I don't understand."

I shrugged. "Because I'm good at it, and its _fun_."

"How?"

"The chaos just before a shoot, Ayame in general, the beautiful clothes, joking with the camera man, seeing myself in print. I don't know. It just is."

The hostess came around then, gave us our tea, and then went off to her next table.

I took a sip "mmm"ing at the hot, sweet liquid. "Why are you a doctor?"

"When I was younger, Akito and I were friends. But he was always so sick, so _sad_. It hurt to see him like that. I guess I did it too make him happy."

I reached over the table, and took his hand. His eyes studied me, then his fingers threaded into mine. He smile, and for some reason seemed extremely happy. I didn't ask, I just enjoyed his smile, returning it with one of my own.

Our food came, and we ate in remote silence as a group of belly dancers served as the night's entertainment. They were beautiful, elegant, bodies moving like water, gracefully to the pulse of the music.

When they left, bowing, both Ha'ri and me clapped.

"That was amazing," I gushed as a busboy took our plates and refilled our drinks.

"I take it you're enjoying yourself," he mused, a smirk in his eyes.

"Very much so." I smiled, eyes glittering. He was beautiful. So beautiful. This place was amazing. I felt like a pebble in a sea of pearls; but a very, very happy little pebble.

"Good; I'm glad I've…" His voice trailed off, and his fists clenched. Then he smiled at me, and it was false. His eyes weren't in it anymore. Confused, I waited for him to explain.

He leaned forward, elbows on the table, chin on his hands. "So who's the boy worth risking Akito's wrath?" He asked, all cheerful curiosity. But his eyes were dark, all tease and annoyance and… pain? Maybe something else.

I nearly choked on my tea. "What boy?" Shit. Was Akito telling him things about me?

"The boy you mentioned at our picnic; don't worry, I haven't told Akito."

"Well, um…" I trailed off, biting my lower lip and looking down at my lap. I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. Could I tell him? Should I? Is it the right time, or will I just ruin everything?

"You said I know him," Hatori said, prodding at me with words.

I opened my mouth to tell him, to tell him I loved him, that he was beautiful, gorgeous, that he meant everything to me, how I thought about him, and how much I enjoyed just looking at him, being around him. But instead, "Hatori, I should be getting home. It's late and I have a photo shoot early tomorrow morning" came out.

Liar. Dirty rotten liar.

Hatori's eyes shut down to that cold façade he danced around in, in front of other people. It had taken me forever to break through that ice in his eyes.

How had I hurt him? Why was he getting cold with me? I suddenly felt like crying as I watched him get up and pay for the meal. Sluggishly, dazed and depressed, I followed him. I moved stiffly as the concierge helped me into my things and followed Hatori outside into the cold.

It was snowing again, and the warm glow of the restaurant hit his back, casting soft shadows, making the snow glitter and shimmer as it landed on him. The November wind blew his hair around strong, broad shoulders.

He looked beautiful, almost wistful, and oh-so-lonely walking in the snow like that, with his back to me.

I wanted to run to him, wrap my arms around him, sobbing, crying, telling him how sorry I was, that I never wanted to hurt him, that I'd never do it again, and I'd do anything to make him smile at me again.

But I couldn't, because I didn't know what I'd done.

So I left him to crawl back into his icy shell. I climbed into the SUV, all shimmering blackness and creaking leather, and it was a silent drive.

"Thanks. See you later, Ha'ri," I said softly, awkwardly as I climbed out. He didn't look at me. Didn't say a thing. He was the same as when I'd climbed in three hours ago, but I felt like I'd lost something.

I felt that loss so hard, it felt like my stomach and heart simultaneously dropped to my feet. My heart shattered on impact.

I shut the SUV door, stiff, trying to control my emotions as I walked into the store. Me and Ayame shared an apartment upstairs.

Ayame was waiting for me, in his pajamas, and jumped up off the store couch, smiling, opening his mouth too give off a cheerful welcome. But apparently, I wasn't hiding my hurt as well as I thought, because the smile melted into concern.

"Miichan?" He asked, voice gentle, as if he was afraid talking to loud would frighten me.

"Did you get dinner?" I asked, avoiding it. Ayame realized it, because his eyes gained a determined twinkle. He stepped forward, embracing me tightly. And it took that for me to realize how badly I wanted to be held

I clenched my fists in his night robe, burying my face in his chest, shoulders shaking as I cried.

Ayame led me to the couch, and we sat down. He cradled me against him, running his fingers through my hair, rubbing circles in my back, murmuring comforting, nonsensical words as he rocked me.

After a while, I calmed down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, voice still soft and tender, still holding me.

"I need to call Ha'ri," I mumbled, coughing. I was surprised I hadn't had an asthma attack with all that crying. "And my inhaler." I pulled away from Ayame, and he followed me upstairs.

I went into the bathroom to get my inhaler, still coughing, as Ayame went to find the home phone. I had a feeling Ha'ri wouldn't answer if it was my cell calling. I looked in the mirror as I fished the inhaler from my makeup case.

I was a wreck. Hair frizzing, my eyes red and puffy, lipstick smeared, eyeliner and mascara running, eye shadow rubbed clean off, and cheeks blotchy from the cold. I used my inhaler, and was washing off my face when Aya walked in with the phone.

I used speed dial, thanking Aya, and walked into my room while the phone rung. I shut my door, and sat down on my bed, Indian style, staring at a peppy poster of Morning Musume.

I was wiping my face dry on a pillow when he picked up, on the 16th ring.

"Dr. Hatori Sohma's office. Is this an emergency?"

"Hey, Ha'ri, can you talk for a sec?"

All I got in reply was a dial tone.

I felt tears well up. I threw my pillow at the smiling poster, screaming without words.

I tried ten more times. He didn't even pick up.

I fell asleep crying, the phone cradled to my chest.


	6. Children

**Rebel**

Chapter Title: Children  
Pairings: N/A  
Warnings: Implied murder, violence against children  
Author's Notes: Now, for all of you wondering why I hadn't mentioned Kyo yet…

I was on a playground. I didn't know where the playground was, or why I was here, but I was. It was cold, and a layer of fog swirled around the play structure.

I stood just by the slide, breath misting in white puffs. My teeth chattered.

I watched a little boy go down the slide, laughing. His bright orange hair frizzing in the humidity, his red eyes wide as he squealed with delight. The little boy seemed achingly familiar.

Then a little girl, a girl I recognized as a much younger me, slid down the slide, screaming at the top of her lungs, and giggling, silver pig tails bouncing as tiny arms waved back and forth. As she came off the end of the slide, she started after the boy, still giggling, disappearing into the fog.

I started to walk after them, but their screams turned from delight to, screeches of agony and terror. My heart stopped, blood going cold, and my stomach dropped to my feet.

I ran, arms pumping at my side as the screams rose to shrieks. I couldn't seem to run fast enough, tripping and stumbling, pushing off of trees for extra momentum.

Each shriek grated on me, scratching my nerves raw. Tears froze on my cheeks in the cold mist, blurring my vision.

I reached the break in the fog just as the cries came to an abrupt stop, the playground eerily quiet.

The little boy was nowhere to be seen, a strange brown little monster in the clearing over a red silver mess. Red was splattered all over its face. The smell was awful. I fell to my knees, choking, as my mind finally made sense of the red and silver mess.

It was me. It was _me_. That little girl, the younger me. Me.

I woke screaming.

X.x.X.x.X

I called Ha'ri every morning before my tai chi classes, before my writing workshop, and after dinner.

He didn't even answer when I used Aya's cell.

I was getting depressed, and I knew it was obvious. The photographer said my skin was a little blotchier than normal; it'd need airbrushing. And that I had lost more weight than healthy. My hips were my greatest appeal, next to my hair, which was looking less shiny as well.

It's been two weeks since Ha'ri started ignoring me. Aya's put me on paid leave for a week to sort everything out. I was grateful; it's expensive for him to do that, especially right before a catalog comes out.

Now it was about 6pm, the sun already down and casting dazzling streams of rainbows over the snow in front of Ha'ri's house.

I knocked, and as I had expected, he didn't answer. So I waited.

I was so tired of all of this. I wanted to apologize, to make up. I wanted my best friend back. Why did he insist on ignoring me? I didn't even know what I'd done. Was it really so awful?

Yawning, cutting it off with a cough, I glanced down at my watch, checking the time. I was so cold, my arm trembled and I fought to keep my teeth from chattering. I had walked here in the snow, and my tights were soaked through.

7:30.

I got up from my seat on his steps, and knocked again. And again. And again. I stood there knocking for a whole half hour, not caring how desperate I was behaving. I needed him back. I couldn't lose him.

Was he okay? Had something happened? Why didn't Aya know what was going on?

Angry, I kicked the door, giving up on knocking.

I glanced up, seeing something out of the corner of my eye then, and looked at the window beside the door. A shadow hovered just behind the curtains.

Coughing into my elbow, lungs heaving, chest aching from the cold, I kicked the door again, glaring at the shadow in the window. "Why are you being so childish?" I screamed at the door as the shadow dissapeared from the window. My toe hurt from kicking, so I switched to my hands, beating at the door with a fist. "Open up, dammit!" I punctuated the profanity with another kick to the door, then keeled over my stomach, coughing, face screwed up in pain.

It burned to breath, the ice freezing down my throat till I coughed up mucus to clear it, and my foot throbbed. I'd probably bruised it. My whole up torso ached, feeling too tight and too cold, and I couldn't stop coughing now.

I'd left my inhaler at home.

I collapsed onto my knees, still coughing. I couldn't breathe, now. I couldn't get in a single breath. I stared down at the dirty slush on his doorstep, my head spinning, black spots blocking out parts of my vision. My body felt like it was falling, spinning, tumbling, black and white fireworks dancing before my eyes. My side was soaked, and I tasted slush in my mouth. I coughed again, blood tingling on my tongue.

And next thing I knew, I was suddenly warmer, smaller, but still coughing. My tail curled around me, and as I buried my nose in the fur in my side, trying to warm up, trying to breath, I realized I'd transformed.

The last thing I heard before my head went scremaing into oblivion was the door opening, warm light caressing my silvery fur, and Ha'ri's voice.

If I'd been able to breath, I would have smiled. I loved his voice. And I'd missed it terribly.

After that, though, it was the nothingness of unconciousness.

X.x.X.x.X

I woke to the sound of glass shattering. I jolted up, surprise, but the room, white blaring light, spun, my eyes dancing after stars, every muscle in my body crying out in agony. My chest burned, my skin sore and cracking, and it felt like my guts were twisting up inside me in all sorts of unnatural positions.

I leaned over the side of the bed, acid burning up my throat. I puked up, and I still gagged. I forced myself not to dry wretch, a skill I'd picked up after many months of constant hangovers.

Whimpering, I cradled my head, blinking to clear the tears from my eyes.

When I was able to focus, I saw Ha'ri bringing me a bucket, water, toast and advil all piled up on a tray.

Gratefully, I reached for the advil, swallowing it dry.

"What broke?" I asked, my voice cracking. I tried to clear it, but it just made it hurt more. Waving away the toast and water, I grabbed the bucket. Eating would just make me throw up again right now.

"I knocked over a vase," Hatori replied calmly, setting the tray down on a stand beside the bed. I nodded, and my sinuses swam, my headache suddenly becoming so much worse. I felt exhausted already, as if just sitting up for this long had drained me of all my energy.

"Why are you ignoring me? Asshole," I grumbled. It was his fault I passed out, I figured. He could have opened the god damned door a whole lot sooner.

"You should have gone home."

"You should have opened your fucking door," I snapped, glaring at him.

"This is not my fault," Hatori said, starting to sound angry himself.

"The hell it isn't!" I argued, fisting my hands in the sheets to steady myself. I felt like my brain was swirling around in circles. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"I don't want to get wrapped up in this," he said calmly, turning his back to me. "You should go to med school."

I deadpanned. "You ignored me for a month over _med school_?" I screamed, furious. The exertion hurt, and I curled over coughing, my body trembling.

"You shouldn't stress yourself," he scolded, handing me the glass of water.

I sipped from it, cradling it between my hands like it was the only thing keeping me in the here and now. "Fuck off," I muttered, staring down into the glass, refusing to look at him.

"Why can't you just do as you're told?" Hatori growled out, the anger back all of a sudden. He always hated it when I cussed.

"Why should I?" I retorted, feeling vindictive and childish. I wanted him to hurt just as much as he had hurt me. I wanted payback.

"I don't want you to end up like me!" He said, raising his voice. My eyes widened in surprise, and I turned to look at him then. Ha'ri was _really_ mad. He'd never raised his voice at me before. Ever. No matter what stupid things I had done, he had _never_ raised his voice at me.

"Why is med school so _important_?" I asked, voice soft and confused. Why did it matter to him so much?

"It's not the school, Mikumi, it's _why_," he growled, eyes darkening with rage.

"I don't understand what you mean, Ha'ri," I said, real fear clawing at my throat.

"It's your only way out, you're only chance to escape, and you're giving it up for a _crush_." That hurt. I winced, looking away.

It's more than a crush, I thought to myself. It's you. "What, so you want me to leave?" I asked, agitated.

"Yes, Miku. Dammit, of course I want you to go!"

"Fine. I'm gone." I got to my feet, pure rage making my entire body tremble, and I left, slamming the door behind me.


	7. Flashbacks

**Rebel**

Chapter Title: Flashbacks  
Pairings: N/A for now.  
Warnings: Violence; mental disorders; minor language; rape

_Soft, smooth flesh._

_Cinnamon._

_Heat. Sweat._

_Pain. Biting. Splitting. Burning. Screaming._

_Licking, kissing._

_Building_

_A scream, not mine. Deep, throaty._

_Bliss, relief. _

_Release._

_Hate. Shame. Fear_

I woke up screaming, body spasming and thrashing, hands scrabbling for a hold on something, anything, tears clogging up my throat, sobbing. I was coughing.

I couldn't think, couldn't focus. It hurt. Oh god, it hurt so much.

I forced myself to calm down, but it took work. When I did, I realized Aya was banging on my door, shouting.

I sat up, and the sheets clung to me, squelching.

I looked down in surprise. The entire bed was absolutely soaked in sweat.

I climbed out, peeling the sheets off of my skin, and put on a robe. I opened my door to an extremely concerned Ayame.

"Nightmare?" He asked softly, tucking the wet locks that clung to my face behind my ears.

I nodded, fighting not to break down crying. I was still emotionally raw from the nightmare. "They're getting worse, Aya," I mumbled, looking down at my feet.

He embraced me, and I breathed in the vannilla aroma that was all Ayame, clinging to him for sanity, for comfort. He made me feel safe, and I loved him for it. "They aren't real, Miku," he whispered soothingly.

"I know, I know. But still they somehow manage to scare the shit out of me," I mumbled, upset at myself for being so vulnerable. For being so weak.

"It'll be okay," he assured me, hugging me closer.

"It was him again, Aya."

"Who?"

"Akito. His voice." I whispered, staring at the fabric of his pajamas.

"It doesn't mean anything. They're just dreams."

"Than why do they feel so real?" I sobbed, finally breaking, not able to hold them in anymore.

Ayame held me tighter, and whispered, "I'm sorry." What else could he say?


	8. Dirty Rotten Lies

**Chapter Title: **Dirty Rotten Lies  
**Pairings: **Insinuated, one-sided Akito/Miku  
**Warnings:** Just... more Akito-ness. I can't decide if I hate him, feel bad for him, or absolutely adore him. I'm torn. o.0?

Akito had requested to see me a few days after my argument with Hatori. The morning after my last nightmare.

Ayame had volunteered to walk me, and if I hadn't been so terrified, maybe I'd of turned him down. But this time I didn't, feeling selfish, needing someone to take care of me. I hated myself for indulging in it though – I'd spent the last couple of years drowning myself in selfishness, through drugs, alcohol, and sleep. I hated it.

The snow crunched under our feet as we walked, cars driving by in the slush, light glistening in bent rainbows and gold sparkles across Kaibara district.

Soon enough, we reached the main house. My heart rate slowed, and my blood ran cold. Neither had anything to do with the snow. No, that was all bone-chilling fears fault.

Aya kissed me on the cheek, and left me at the doorstep with a light farewell and goodluck. He had errands to run, and Akito had requested to see me privately.

I took a deep breath, gathering up all my courage, and slid the paper door to the side. I took off my boots, coat and hat, shaking the snow off of my jeans. When I turned to walk inside, a young servant girl was waiting for me.

"Follow me, please, Lady Sohma," she asked politely, bowing.

If only it really was a choice. If only I could turn tail and flee.

But I couldn't.

So I followed her.

She led me to his bedroom, and then waited.

After about ten minutes, Akito opened the door. Completely ignoring the servant girl, he gestured for me to come inside.

I didn't want to. I wanted to turn and run away screaming, and never come back. I wanted to run into Hatori's arms, and hid in his embrace. I wanted to no longer be cursed by this damned zodiac. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to be _happy_. But we don't always get what we want, do we?

So I went in.

Akito smiled, softly, almost _lovingly_ as I walked into his room, shutting the door behind me. My eyes widened in surprise and aprehension.

He offered me a seat and tea. Yes please, I'd replied.

As I sat at a nice chair, over stuffed soft red leather with brass buttons, face still shocked, he laughed. My eyes widened even more.

"Don't look so surprised, my little pup. Even I have good days," He said, handing me the tea. It smelled like cinnamon, reminding me of my nighmare the day before. I suppressed a shiver.

His smile brightened, as if he could tell he had bothered me, and liked it. Maybe he had. You never knew with Akito.

He took a seat across from me, lounging like some elegant cat on the red chair, his dark blue kimono flaring out around him. "Hatori tells me you're still refusing med school," Akito mused casually, looking at his nails before turning his glance to me.

Oh, well that's just great. "I want to be a writer," I said firmly. "A playwrite."

Akito continued as if he hadn't heard me. "He also told me why you are refusing." the words held such cold, accusing rage, I had to set my teacup down. My hands were shaking so badly I would have dropped it otherwise.

My voice was breathy with fear. "What did he tell you?"

Akito ignored my question, getting to his feet. I repeated my question, a little louder this time, and he glared down at me, coming to stand in front of me.

"You're mine, Miku. And you best not forget," he hissed, anger curling and burning his words.

I nodded, gulping.

"I have payed for 2 terms at Tokyo Universities pre-medical program. It starts next month, on the 14th."

I met his eyes, and very carefully worded my response. "No." I watched confusion, despair, hate and jealousy dance across his face, until it finally settled on anger.

"If this is the only way to keep you away from him, Miku, then this is the way I will keep you away from him." Akito said, words oh-so-reasonable, but his tone deadly. "You _will_ obey me."

Oh, crap. I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "No." I repeated, mentally wincing. My refusals were not helping my situation, but I wasn't going to leave. I wasn't going to let him ship me away.

"I am your God, Miku! It is not your choice!" He emphasized his point with a flat-out punch to the face. I cried out, cradling my bruised cheek, huddling back into the leather chair.

He took a step back from me, a twisted pleasure spilling out onto his face as he watched me rub my bleeding cheek. "Pack your things. A truck will come next week to take them to your new apartment. You will thank me, Miku."

No, I won't, I thought to myself, but I knew now resistence was futile. "I will do as my God bids," I said, gritting it out through clenched teeth.

He smiled, all boyishly handsome cheer. I wanted to be sick. "Good. You're dismissed."

As I left, he caught my hand, bringing it to his lips. He gave it a tender, gentle kiss, and once again I was surprised by him. "I love you, Miku," he said, voice soft and as tender as the kiss to my hand had been. "I love all my animals."

Liar.

Dirty rotten liar.


	9. Confession

**Chapter Title: **Confession  
**Pairings: **Hatori/Miku  
**Warnings:** Very, very strong language. Miku's a bit of a pottymouth when she gets upset.

I hadn't packed a damn thing.

He could hit me all he wanted to – I wasn't going anywhere.

The day and time the truck was supposed to come, I decided I needed to go grocery shopping.

I looked over the Sea Bream carefully. As a celebration for me _not_ moving, I was going to make Iced Sashimi. As I investigated a fairly nice-looking fish, I heard someone say my name.

I looked up from the piles upon piles of frozen and fresh sea food to see Ha'ri standing above me, and felt all my rage swell up in my chest. Why did he tell Akito that? Why did he hate me so much now? What had I done to deserve this? Why would he _do_ this to me? He of all people should know what happens when Akito finds out one of his animals is in love.

"What are you doing here?" Hatori asked, frowning down at me. His voice was gentle, though, and I couldn't bring myself to yell at him. Despite what he had done, I loved him too much to stay mad, and the rage quieted inside me.

"What did you tellAkito?" I finally whispered after a long, terse moment of silence. I stared defeated down at his feet, feeling broken.

Hatori was quiet for a second. I could feel his surprise. "He told you?"

"What the fuck did you tell him?" I repeated a little louder, looking up to his face. I let my betrayal, my anger, my pain show.

Hatori wouldn't meet my gaze. "I didn't want him to end up like Kana."

"Who, Ha'ri? Who are you talking about?"

He met my eyes, then. "I didn't want you to end up like me."

"Hatori," I started, growling out my frustration, "I don't understand a single fucking word you're saying. But whatever you said pissed Akito off, bad, and I need to know."

"Your boyfriend, Miku. The boy you're giving up your future for."

My brows knit together. "What boy? I don't have a boyfriend." I felt my heart sink.

Was this why he had ignore me? Why he wanted me to go to college so bad? Why Akito had been so furious?

_A fucking rumor_?

"The boy we talked about at the picnic and at the restaurant."

A little light bulb lit up in my head, as I realized what he was talking about.

Fuck. Shit. Fuckity-fuck-fuck, shitfuck.

How could I be so _stupid_?

"Ha'ri..." I breathed, on the verge of tears. "I made that up. I lied."

Realization crept across his face, followed quickly at the horror I was going through because of him now. "Why?" He asked, dumbfounded.

"Well," I mumbled, turning back to stare at my feet, blushing bright red. "I _guess_ you could say there is a boy. Kind of. It's complicated. He doesn't know."

Hatori looked positively furious. "Who?" He snapped.

I matched his gaze, jutting my chin out with stubborn determination. "You," I said matter-of-factly, studying his reactions carefully. His eyes widened, and slowly, he shut down.

As I watched, his eyes cut me off from him. I felt it like he had physically cut me, my chest aching. It hurt.

As I watched him turn his back to me, I felt myself walk out with him. My heart, my soul, my mind. I felt it leave and I no longer had the strength to stand, my knees buckling beneath me. I collapsed onto my hands and knees, staring hopelessly after him. I felt like my heart was being torn out with each step, his hips moving fluidly, tall and elegant, sunlight glittering and glowing against him as he left me, all alone.

Left me crying silently on the floor of the grocery store, heart broken.

Someone touched my shoulder, and I yelled at them to go away. I pushed myself, trembling, to my feet, my shopping basket long forgotten, and ran home.

I stormed upstairs, holding back the tears until I had slammed shut and locked my bedroom door behind me. I felt my body change just as the first few tears trickled down my cheeks, and I transformed into a small, baby coyote in a poof of smoke.

I collapsed onto the floor, curled up in a little ball, and cried myself unconcious. When I woke up, I started crying again. I did that until I couldn't cry anymore, and when I couldn't cry, I just stared at the wall, feeling as if I had died.

Dead.

How pleasant.


	10. Well Deserved

**Chapter Title: **_Well Deserved_  
**Pairings: **_Hints of Miku/Akito._  
**Warnings:** _Violence;hints of incest and child abuse. _  
**Notes:** _Whoot! It is __**so**__ much fun to write this stuff again. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. What a __**rush!**__ So, a little background for ya'll on why Miku is so damned loyal to Akito._

**X.x.X.x.X**

_I found myself in Akito's bedroom. I was younger, a middle schooler. I had come home from school to the Sohma estate, bruised and dirty after a group of boys had ganged up on me. Akito laid me down beside him on his bed, he was too sick too get up, and snuggled me against him. _

_I clung too him, breathing in the smell of cinnamon tea, and sighed. _

"_I hate this," I mumbled. "They all hate me. Everyone hates me," I mumbled, my stomach sore from where a boy had knocked me over and stomped on me. _

_Akito kissed my cheek, smiling comfortingly. "You're special, Miku."_

"_I know. The coyote, right?" I mumbled, putting my hand on my chest as if I could feel the spirit resting inside me. _

_He nodded. "The coyote is a bringer of death. Of destruction and hate." Akito said, running his fingers through my hair. "To control it, to make it pay for all its done, your body serves as a host, Miku. The coyote possessed you so that you might receive its punishment in a physical form."_

_I nodded. "I know," I whispered. He'd told me that since I was little. He kissed me on the lips, gently, sweetly. _

_And then he started to hit me._


	11. Rape

**Chapter Title: **Rape  
**Pairings: **One-sided Akito/Miku  
**Warnings:** Slightly graphic rape, violence, sexual assault, mental dissorders, and other such dasterdly things of Akito

_His hands were all over me, nails dragging down over my shoulders, down my bare back, leaving bloody trails behind them as his mouth clamped down on the side of my neck, biting, hard._

_I screamed as he thrust into me, but he pinned me against the sheets, my wrists held tight above my head in a bruising grip. _

_The smell of cinnamon was so thick it was almost suffocating._

_It went on forever, and every time I tried to sink away into my mind, escape somehow, he brought me back, painfully, with a bit or a smack or vicious thrust. _

I woke up panting, my breathing too fast and panicked. I pushed away the nightmare as best I could, still laying on the floor, as I steadied my breathing and calmed myself down. I must have been locked up in my room for at least a day and half, week, defeated, dead, when they started banging down my door.

I paid no mind. I had no mind. Mindlessly, I stared at the floor, waiting for my body to succomb to sleep once more. I knew I should be hungry, but I couldn't feel anything. I felt like a china doll. Mad of glass, and hollow on the inside.

I don't know how long it took them to bash down my bedroom door, but when they did, I certainly didn't expect to see Akito walk in, carrying a tray of food and a bottle of meds. But then, if I tried to remember, I could remember when I was younger, and had gotten sick, he would always bring me my food.

He set the tray down on my armiour, and crouched beside me. I continued to stare at the wall. He brushed the hair that had fallen into my face. I didn't respond. I just continued to stare at the wall.

"Miku? How are you feeling?" He asked, voice low, as if afraid to startle me. He sounded concerned, and worried. "Ha'ri told me what happened."

I continued to stare at the wall, ignoring the inkling feeling of another betrayal.

Akito tenderly cupped my face in one hand, turning my eyes to face him. He looked worried, almost scared, as he leaned over me, his other hand propping himself up above me. "Look at me, Miku. Please." He almost sounded like he was begging.

I don't know why, probably some ingrained sense of obedience, but I turned my face to him, looking at him.

"He hurt you. I'm so sorry he hurt you. I knew. I'm sorry I let him hurt you," There was a real apology, and for a minute, I realized that Akito really did love his animals, and he tried. Yeah, he showed it in a very fucked up manner, but that didn't change the fact that he still loved us.

I forced a small smile. I don't know why I did, but I felt vaguely like I owed it too him.

He laughed and sobbed at the same time, a tear slipping down his cheek, and then he said something that changed everything. "Why can't you love _me_, Miku? I won't hurt you. I love you. I'll never let anything hurt you again."

And he kissed me, tongue shoving down my thraot, lips and teeth like he was going to eat his way inside.

He was psychotic. Truly, truly psychotic.

I pushed at his chest, weakly. I couldn't breathe. I was panicking. But he was too strong, as his upper body pinned me down, a hand rubbing up and down my waist.

I struggled, screamed, and that hand that had been oh-so-gently rubbing my waist took a grip in my hair, pulling it back painfully, exposing my neck. He locked his lips over my pulse, and sucked. I writhed against his grip, and suddenly, he was off. Gone. I could breathe. I could run.

I didn't look to see who had saved me. I scrambled to my feet, my body relying on the only thing that made sense anymore – my basic fight or flight instincts, and I fled. I ran as fast as I could, stumbling and tripping down the stairs, out the door, and down the street.

I don't know how long I ran, but by the time I had slowed to a walk, it was raining, hard, and I was coughing.

I fumbled at my jeans pockets, and thankfully found my emergency inhaler.

I stopped, thoroughly soaked, at the same playground that had played in my nightmares and in my dreams for so many years. I used my inhaler, and then put it back in my pocket, feeling a slight buzz as the muscles in my throat relaxed.

I stared at the playground, swings creaking in the snow, rain and wind, and felt incredibly alone.

I sat down on one of the benches, and curled my knees up to my chest, and held myself, terrified.

What now? I asked myself.

I don't know.

X.x.X.x.X

I must have sat at that park, shivering and scared, for hours before they found in me in my zodiac form of the coyote. It was a flashlight, bouncing up and down in the dark, right in front of me.

I shielded my eyes with one paw, trying to see past the light and the heavy rain to the person holding the flash light.

Whoever it was pocketed the flashlight and crouched in front of me. "Miku? My name's Shigure. Are you okay?"

Numbly, I shook my small, furry head, teeth chattering.

He frowned, taking off his jacket. He wrappedit around me, then picked me up. I let him, snuggling into his chest, thankful for the warmth. He smelled incredibly familiar. He smelled safe, and he was so warm.

"I'm one of Hatori's friends. I'm going to take you to the winter vacation house, okay?"

I whimpered slightly, staring at his shirt which was already soaked from just minutes of the rain as he carried me out of the park. He took me to a car, laying me down in the back seat, my head on someone's lap. I nuzzled closer, curling my tail around me.

Then very, very familiar hands started to pet me, rubbing through my fur, looking for wounds.

I growled in protest, and the hands stilled.

"Miku? Are you alright?" Hatori asked. I snuggled closer, knowing he would push me away soon, soaking up what little of the contact I could while it lasted. I breathed deeply in the smell of him, and it made my heart break all over again. "Miku?" He asked, trying to look into my eyes.

"I'm fine," I mumbled, voice strained.

He held me tight, then, much to my surprise. "I'm sorry." He whispered, tucking his face into the fur at my neck. I shivered at the sensation. "I got scared. I'm so sorry I ran away. This is all my fault."

I moved to look up at his face. "I forgive you." I said softly, rubbing my cheek against the side of his face. He smiled, and I felt the pieces begin to come back together, as my heart began to heal.


	12. Punishment

**Chapter Title: **Punishment  
**Pairings: **N/A  
**Warnings:** Violence, torture, the usual.

_My body felt weak, cold and bare. I was laying on a stone floor, a thick iron shackle wrapped around my left ankle, giving me about a foot of chain to move about with. It clanked and made horrible clattering noises when ever I so much as twitched. I sighed, curling up in a ball, the darkness surrounding me. _

_This room was dark, and somehow the lack of light and warmth intensified the feeling of being naked, of being entirely vulnerable. _

_I heard a door open, but I couldn't see anything. Then I heard the shuffled of footsteps, and my entire body tensed, knowing what was going to happen next. I tried to relax, knowing it would hurt less if I relaxed, but my fear paralyzed me._

_And so the first crack of the whip, the little bits of metal lodging themselves into my skin tore through me, and I screamed. He kicked my face, telling me to be quiet. That it was my own fault this was happening. _

_But I had never done anything. I'd never done anything to deserve this but be born with spirit of the coyote inside of me._

_But to Akito, it was enough. And so I didn't try to run away. I layed down the floor, on top of my hands so they wouldn't instinctually try to protect my back as he whipped me, and I accepted my punishment. _


	13. Messages

**Chapter Title: **Messages  
**Pairings: **Hatori/Miku  
**Warnings:** N/A  
**Notes:** OMG! FINALLY! Sigh, finally, I can put Kyo in here. Jeez. For all of you shippin' KyoxMiku, hold your breaths - he's finally coming back!

The time we spent at the Winter Vacation home was peaceful. My body had begun to grow weak again, and I knew that meant that Akito was feeling stronger, better. When I asked Hatori about it, he calmly told me that the chemo was working, and Akito had gone into remission.

I frowned, then smiled. This was good. Because as horrible as he was, Akito was my God. And I loved him, like all servants loved their lord.

As Hatori was finishing up the paperwork for my weekly treatments, which were quickly becoming twice a week as my health continued to decline each day, I flipped through some of the photo albums that were on the bookshelves in his office. Once my health had gotten considerably worse, he had had to move me back to the Sohma estate where he had some of the more advanced medical equipment.

When I came across a picture of Kana, I stayed at it a moment. She was so beautiful. So smart. She had the prettiest eyes in the whole wide world, and on top of it all she had part of Hatori's heart. A part I would never be able to touch.

I knew I had my own share, but I hoped I could at least live up to Kana's standards. I hoped I had her blessing. I hoped I was good enough for Hatori. God knows I try.

Warm, strong arms wrapped around my waist, and I leaned back into his chest, breathing in his scent. He even _smelled_ beautiful.

"Are you okay?" He asked, breath puffing down my cheek. I nodded, smiling at him, one hand on his as I put the album back on the shelf.

"I'm fine. I just... I hope Kana approves of me."

"Mmm," Hatori mumbled, thinking it over. "I think she would. She always said she wanted me happy more than anything else."

"Are you?" I asked, wondering for a moment. It was hard to be happy with Akito so healthy that he was starting to spend much more time with his animals. Much, much more time with them.

"Am I what?" he asked, burying his face in my hair.

"Happy."

"Ah, yes. Very much so." I smiled, turning in his arms to face him, my own lacing up around his neck. "Good." I leaned up on tiptoe then to kiss him, and his face lowered to meet mine. It was a slow, sweet kiss, and I pulled back reluctantly, letting go of him.

"I gotta go," I said morosely, shouldering my bag. "Aya's cramming my photo shoots after all that time I took off." Hatori sighed, moving out of my way as I made my leave.

"I'll call you tomorrow, 'kay?"

"Sure. Bye." I kissed him again, longer, lingering. I pulled back, pecked him on the cheek, and left.

X.x.X.x.X

the next day the photoshoot ran late. Really late. Ayame had caught a plane to Tokyo for a trade meeting right after, and I wasn't able to get home until midnight.

I made a sad face as I locked the door behind me. Hatori had called. And I'd missed it.

I trudged up the stairs and found the house phone in the hall. Hatori hadn't called my cell – probably didn't wan tto disturb me at work.

For some strange reason, there were only 3 rules at Aya's. I can't answer the phone, check the mail, or listen to the messages.

I glanced down at the machine. 2 new messages blinked up at me, tempting me to press the play button.

Giving in, figuring that the rules were stupid anyways, I clicked the play button, rocking back on my heels to listen.

"Aya, my dear! It's your most magnificent Shiichan calling to wish you well on your trip. Kyo keeps bugging me to call – he's worried about Miku. Heard Akito's health is getting better, and frankly, we all miss her dearly. He asked about how her modeling was going. And Tohru! She just won't _stop_ cooking. I know, I know, I should be thankful, but we're running out of room in the fridge for leftovers! Oh, dear, sweet, Tohru, I -"

_Beep. "End of message"_.

I furrowed my brow, staring at the machines red blinking one.

Kyo. The same name as the little boy in my nightmares, who kept dissapearing. Was he real?

Without thinking about it first, I picked up the phone and called him back.


	14. Realization

**Rebel**

Chapter Title: Realization  
Pairings: Hatori/OC. Very subtle hints at Kyo/OC  
Warnings: None. This one is actually G-rated. Gasp!

"Aya-kun!" Cheered the happy voice of Shigure as he picked up the phone. Miku's mind blanked for a second. Crap. What did she do now?

"Th-this isn't Ayame," she stuttered, quickly trying to think up a plan. "This is... Tohru!" she said, figuring that it wouldn't be too hard to impersonate the girl he had ranted about on the messaging machine.

"Ah, dear Tohru... Why are you at Ayame-kun's?" Shigure asked, confused. "I thought you left to go grocery shopping?"

"I did, but I needed to... pick up a dress he made for me."

"Oh, can I see it?"

"Uh, sure. When I get back. Can I speak to Kyo?"

Shigure practically snickered on the other end of the phone line. "Sure, Tohru-chan. Please, be free. Confess your love for him! The dress is a bridal gown, isn't it?" he said conspiritorialy. "You can tell me. I'll keep it a secret."

Miku blinked. What a strange man. "Uh, no. No it's not a bridal dress. Can I speak to Kyo-kun, please?"

Shigure gave a dramatic sigh, then could be heard screaming 'Kyo!' in the background. After a few moments of silence, some more shouting, and some shuffling, a tired, confused voice came on the line.

"Tohru?"

Ah, double crap. _I need to learn to think ahead_, she thought to herself. _I really need to plan these things better_. "Hi?" She started.

"You're not Tohru," he said, voice accusing.

"I know," Miku mumbled. "But don't let Shigure hear you say that. Are you alone?" Miku really didn't want to get in trouble. She wasn't supposed to be doing this. She had a very, very bad feeling about the whole thing. Who was this boy? How did he know her?

"Yeah, I'm alone," he grumbled. "Who are you?"

"Well, um, Mikumi-yuki Sohma. But... you can call me Miku." She mumbled.

She heard a sharp, surprised gasp. "Miku?" he asked, voice breathless and strained. "Is this some kind of joke?"

"Uh, no. Look, can we meet? I have a lot of questions."

"Yeah, yeah. Where are you? I'll come pick you up."

Miku considered giving him her address, but thought it might not be entirely safe. After all, she really had no idea who this man was, and Ayame was all the way in Tokyo. "Do you know where the Shinken park is?" She asked, recalling the place where she'd first met Shigure.

"Yeah."

"Meet me there."

And she hung up, putting her coat back on, and headed out the door, leaving a note for Ayame in case she wasn't back by the time he got home. She wasn't sure how this was going to take.

X.x.X.x.X

Miku stood shivering in the snow, the sun setting on the horizon, looking around. There wasn't anybody at the park this late at night.

Someone tapped her on the shoulder, and she gave a small shriek, whirling around to face the boy who had starred in many of her nightmares. Her breath left her all at once as she stared up at him, confused. She had never met him before in her life.

But he knew who she was.

And she had dreamed about him, many a time.

"K-Kyo?" She stuttered, double checking that this was indeed the boy she had planned to meet.

He looked like he was in pain when he took in her appearance. "God, you haven't changed a bit," he said softly. And then before she realized what was happening, he had wrapped her up in his arms, hugging her tightly. His shoulders shook slightly. _Is he crying_? Miku wondered, akwardly patting her back. "I missed you so much..." He said, voice thick with tears.

Miku was really, really confused. "Um, who _are _you?" She asked, figuring that was a perfectly good question to start with.

Kyo stepped back in surprise, regarding her carefully, as if not sure she was serious. He sighed, looking away. "You really don't remember, do you?" He asked, voice soft and tired.

Miku frowned. "Remember _what_?"

Kyo sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It's... it's a long story."

"Well then how about you start with telling me how you know who I am?" Miku asked, feeling herself get a little pissed. She coughed slightly, and his face whipped back to her, looking concerned. He took a step closer, then hesitated.

"Do you need your inhaler?" He asked, looking at her questioningly.

Miku frowned. "No, I'm fine." She gave a frustrated, exasperated sigh. "But how the hell do you know me? How do you know all these things about me?"

Kyo frowned. "I... We've been best friends since we were little. You remember that much, don't you?"

Miku stiffened. What little she could remember of her childhood most certainly did not include him. Until she had started a public middle school, she had spent her entire life in one room, not permitted to leave. "You're lying," she finally said.

Kyo shook his head. "No, I'm not. Akito let you out of the room once a week, remember? To play in the garden." Miku regarded him carefully.

"You know about that too?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you!" He snapped, getting frustrated too. "I know _all_ of it. I'm your best friend!"

"Then why don't I remember?" She snapped back, feeling angry herself.

Kyo fell silent, turning his back to her. "Because Akito ordered Hatori to erase all your memories of me."

Miku stared at him. That couldn't be true. That, just... that couldn't be true, could it?

But, then again... what if her nightmares were real?

She bit her lower lip, chewing it thoughtfully. Kyo didn't say anything, didn't turn around to face her, as if waiting for her to respond. Finally, she moved to stand just behind him. "Turn around," she said soflty. He obeyed, looking down at her, aprehensive. She didn't meet his eyes, just lifted up his shirt, and traced her finger over the bullet scar on his chest, just inches from his heart.

She gave a soft, surprised gasp. "They're real. My nightmares are real." She mumbled, realization setting in. She let go of his shirt, took a shaky step back, and then turned tail and ran. She could hear Kyo shouting out for her from behind her, but she ignored it, just running until she reached home. She locked herself in her room, and collapsed on her bed, sobbing.

If those dreams were real, than that meant the others were real, too.


	15. Blood

**Rebel**

**Chapter Title:** Blood

**Warnings:** Violence, torture, sexual mutilation, and more twisted Akito stoof.

_Miku was six in the dream, at first. She was in the room again, the dark, cold room. She didn't have her clothes, and her left ankle was chained to the floor._

_She felt sick, and she felt weak. She could feel the sting of an IV in her arm, the tightness of the bandages around her chest. She hadn't slept in days. Hatori, in order for her wounds to heal properly, had given her a steady stream of adrenaline so that she wouldn't transform._

_As such, her entire body was tense, alert, hyper-aware. Every thought, sensation was intensified. _

_She heard the door open, scraping against the stone floor, then slam shut. She heard the soft clicking of the heals of sandals, and before she knew what was going on, Akito had dragged her to her knees, one hand wrapped around her throat. She could hear him snarling in the darkness, hear him scream in wordless rage as he threw her against the ground. He was ten, just a few years older than her. _

_She heard the soft slip of leather against metal, and knew Akito had drawn his knife. She heard him walk closer to her, and she recoiled slightly, whimpering. She was already in so much pain._

_And he sliced down at her, the blade sinking into the soft flesh of her chest, tearing through it. _

_Miku screamed, writhing in pain, as Akito continued to mutilate her body. The blade slowly moved down for her chest to her stomach, then her vagina, then her legs. Every inch of her body was covered in raw, bleeding wounds, the bandages in a bloody pile around her as she sobbed and cried and begged him to stop._

_But not once did the blade touch her face._

"_I can't stop," Akito mused to himself, licking a drop of her blood off the tip of the small dagger. "This is my duty. This is your duty. The Coyote must receive its punishment. I'm not punishing you, Miku-chan. I'm punishing the Coyote."_

_And then he gave her a savage kick to the side, a contrast to his sweet, kind voice, and he left the room, shouting for Hatori to treat her before she died, and he'd have to train a new Host for the Coyote all over again._


	16. Bittersweet Truths

**Rebel**

_Chapter Title: _Bittersweet Truths

_Pairings:_ Hatori/OC, reference to Kyo/OC

_Warnings:_ More of Akito beating the crap out of Miku, but that's about it.

Miku trudged her way down the hall to the dining room and kitchen that was above the store, where she and Ayame lived. She slumped into her seat, feeling exhausted, drained and confused. A cup of coffee was set in front of her, and she cradled it to her chest, letting it warm and relax her.

After a few sips, Miku finally felt concious enough to look around. Ayame was just dishing up some omelettes onto two plates, served them, and then sat down. He watched her as she ate, forking around the food on his plate, but not eating it. He looked oddly serious.

"How was your trip?" Miku asked, continuing to eat her omelette, oblivious to the look Ayame was giving her.

"You listened to the messages, didn't you?" He said, sounding uncertain and frightened. Miku looked up, saw the look on his face, and set her fork down with a sigh.

"Yeah. Yeah I did."

Ayame regarded her carefully. "Are you mad?"

Miku shook her head, brushing a lock of hair behind her ear. "No, I'm not mad. Just... confused."

Ayame nodded, as if that was enough for him, took his plate, and left the room.

Miku gave a frustrated sigh, and then returned to her caffeine.

X.x.X.x.X

About two hours after that mornings photo shoot, during which Ayame had been unusually quiet and subdued, Hatori pulled up in his SUV in front of the small custom clothing store. He walked in, finding Miku helping a customer find a dress for a costume party.

She gave him a happy, but slightly aprehensive look that clearly said 'wait a minute'. She finished checking out the customer, then made her way to Hatori. She smiled cheerfully up at him.

"Hey, handsome." Hatori gave her a grave look.

"Akito wants to see you. He sent me to get you." Miku's smile fell, and she bit her lower lip.

"Did he say what it was about?"

"No. But he has been very, very angry today."

Miku sighed, rubbing her forehead. "It's probably something about that stupid college."

Hatori fell silent for a minute. "Do you... think he found out about us?" Hatori had tried very hard to keep their relationship secret. He did _not_ want to go through what he went through with Kana ever again. He sounded genuinely worried.

Miku smiled encouragingly up at him. "I doubt it. Now c'mon, it doesn't do to keep _His Majesty_ waiting," she said teasingly, dragging him out to the car.

X.x.X.x.X

Miku stepped silently into Akito's room, nervous. Her immune system had become very weak over the past week since Akito had gone into remission, her health balancing out his, and after her time out in the snow at the park with Kyo, she had caught a cold, which was quickly developing into Pnemonia.

She coughed into the crook of her elbow, feeling a knot of tension settle in her chest. Whatever this was about, it wasn't going to be good.

"Shut the door behind you," mused Akito, suddenly appearing from one of the attached rooms. He waved generically at said door, not even glancing at her, and slumped down into one of the leather chairs. Miku obeyed, then waited silently by the door.

Akito peered over the arm of the chair at her, arching a delicate eyebrow. "Well come here then," he said, slightly impatient. Miku came forward, moving to sit in one of the chairs opposite Akito, but his hand wrapped around her wrist, and with a surprising level of strength for someone so frail-looking, jerked her down into his lap. She fell with a slight squeak.

Akito hummed pleasantly, running his fingers through her hair. She fidgeted nervously, feeling inredibly uncomfortable sitting in his lap.

Finally, Akito's fingers wrapped around her chin, turning her to face him. He looked incredibly casual, as if he was asking about the weather, when he spoke next. "I've been informed that you met with Kyo." Despite the casual way Akito said the statement, Miku could practically feel the cold rage swell around them. It was almost suffocating.

Miku didn't say anything, just waited for him to continue, suddenly feeling very, very scared.

"It's also come to my attention that you've begun to remember some things." And with that statement, Akito shoved her off of his lap, roughly, onto the floor. Miku winced, hitting the ground hard. She pushed herself to her hands and knees, lifting her face up to Akito, who was now standing above her.

"You are not to speak to Kyo," he stated calmly, punctuating the order with a vicious kick to the side. Miku cried out, falling back to the ground. She curled around her injured stomach, coughing violently. Akito's foot was suddenly pressing against the side of her head, pinning her to the floor. She winced, the pressure steadily increasing. "You are not to speak to anyone staying at the Shigure household. You are not to answer the phones, or listen to the messages. Am I understood?" Akito asked, grinding her face into the floor.

Miku cried out her agreement, and he removed his foot from her head. She breathed in air desperately, her coughing getting worse. Akito snarled down at her, and gave her a kick to the face for good measure before stalking out of the room, calling for Hatori.

Miku pressed her hands to her bleeding face, crying, feeling confused and scared and hurt.

X.x.X.x.X

Hatori cleaned and bandaged her wounds in silence, his whole body tense and practically vibrating in anger and frustration. He hated that Akito did this too her. And he hated himself even more for not being able to stop him.

"Ha'ri..." she whispered, voice slightly nasally because Akito had broken her nose. "Why did Akito have you erase my memory?"

Hatori stiffened, his back to her as he had been reaching for a bottle of painkillers. His breathing was slow and even, but he didn't move, didn't speak for a very long time. Finally, he gave a soft, depressed sigh, and handed her the medicine, telling her to swallow it.

"You were in love with Kyo, but Akito... he - he didn't want you two together."

"I... I have nightmares about it, sometimes," Miku mumbled. "About Akito shooting him. And... other things."

Hatori looked pained. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to. But I didn't have a choice." Miku smiled, in a sad sort of way, and cupped the side of his face. He closed his eyes, breathing in her scent, which was laden with the smell of blood.

"I know. I just... I don't know. I feel so... lost."

Hatori nodded. "If it helps, you were never really a meth addict," he said softly.

Miku gave him a surprised, upset look. "So you guys let me get depressed and become an alcoholic over an addiction that hadn't actually happened?" She snapped. When she had "discovered" she'd done so much meth to put her into a coma for seven months, when she'd woken up she'd gotten extremely depressed. And she'd become an alcoholic for a very, very long time. To suddenly discover that the entire reason why she had fallen down that hole was a total farse hurt her, deeply. "Why was I in a coma then?"

"You were only unconcious for a week, actually." Hatori said softly.

"Then... where did those seven months go?"

"Akito had me take them. All of them."

Miku swallowed hard, turning away. "Fine. I've heard enough."


	17. Hollow

**Chapter Title: **Hollow

**Warnings:** N/A

**Authors Notes:** Sorry this is so... lax. I hope Kyo isn't too OOC.

Two days later, Miku got a call on her cellphone from an unkown number while she was out shopping for some ingredients for the nights dinner.

"Moshi moshi," she mumbled, answering the phone. "Miku here."

"It's Kyo," said a recently familiar voice. Miku stiffened.

"I'm not supposed to talk to you," she said after a second. "Akito's orders."

"You ran away from him before. Why not this time?" Kyo asked softly.

"I... I did?"

"You don't remember?"

"There's a lot I do and don't remember, Kyo."

"How about we meet for lunch. I'll answer all your questions."

Mikue sighed, switching the side the phone was on. "I don't know, Kyo, Akito is _really_ mad."

"Are you going to spend the rest of your life laid down at his feet?" Kyo asked, voice thick with scorn.

Miku frowned. "He's my God."

Kyo snorted. "He's an angry teenager overintoxicated with power. He is most definitely not a _God_."

"How can you say that?"

"Because I'm the Cat."

Miku blinked. "There's a cat in the zodiac?" She asked, pausing midstride and nearly tripping.

"Jeez, how much did Hatori take?"

Miku sighed. "Fine. I'll meet you. Where?"

"Well, I'm just outside the market. Come out and meet me, then we can talk." And he hung up. Miku grumbled something about disrespectful bastards as she pocketed her cellphone, putting her phone in her pocket. _How did I _ever_ fall in love with _that_? _She asked herself as she walked out of the grocery store.

Sure enough, Kyo was outside, hands shoved in his jean pockets, shoulders hunched against the cold. Miku shivered at the sudden rush of cold wind, compared to the heated grocery store, and turned to face the boy she had supposedly been in love with. "So what now?"

Kyo turned around, walking down the street. "I'll buy you lunch. Your favorite." And sure enough, within a few minutes he had walked into a small dessert shop, and ordered a plate of mochi and some chamomile tea. They took a seat at one of the empty booths in the far back of the small shop, where no one could overhear them.

Miku ignored the mochi for the timebeing though. This was more important. "So here's the deal, Kyo-san," she started, but already Kyo cut her off.

"kun. Call me Kyo-kun."

"But I barely know you."

"We're best friends." Miku growled in frustration.

"To you, maybe. But I don't _remember_ any of that, Kyo. So no, you're _not_ my best friend. I don't even know who you _are_." Kyo looked taken aback at her whispered, furious rant. He blinked, slowly, sighed, then nodded, gesturing for her to continue. Sulking slightly, he nibbled on a mochi. Calming down slightly, she began again. "I've been under the impression for the past year and a half, that before I woke up, I had been in a coma for seven months after a severly disasterous meth-trip. I spent six months after that as an alcoholic. I've been having nightmares since I stopped drinking, mostly about you, and Akito."

Kyo nodded. "Like what?"

"I'm not finished yet. I have absolutely no memory of ever knowing you, as a child or in highschool. Those seven months are an absolute blank."

Kyo licked his lips, suddenly feeling at a loss. Where should he start?

Miku decided for him. "So explain to me why Akito erased my memory in the first place."

Kyo sighed, setting down the half eaten mochi. "It started about halfway through the school year. You had run away from the main house, and had shown up at Shigure's. You were pretty sick then too. Hatori talked Akito into letting you stay, and so you enrolled in the high school. It was... nice. It was normal. It was peaceful. For a while it felt like we were just normal kids, like everyone else. But you got sicker. And Akito got angry. He took you back, he... did things to you. Things that broke you. Hatori took you away again, to the Summer House. We stayed there, you, me, Hatori, Shigure, Tohru, Yuki, Hatsuharu and Momiji."

Miku blinked up at him, confused. "I know Hatori and Shigure, but... who are the rest?"

Kyo's mouth tightened into a thin line. "Your friends. Other zodiac members."

Miku sighed, putting her face in her hands. She felt empty, she felt like a whole chunk of her life had been taken away from her. But what he was saying wasn't bringing back any memories, not even an inkling. It was if she was just hearing a story, about someone elses life. Like those things had never happened to her. "Continue," she mumbled, sipping her tea.

"While we were there, you and I... we got close."

"We fell in love, didn't we?" Miku asked, looking up from her tea at him. Kyo clenched his teeth, and nodded.

"But Akito showed up. And when he found out... he lost it. He shot me, twice. And he shot you in the leg. And then he ordered Hatori to erase your memories of me. I... I hadn't realized how much he had taken, though."

Miku nodded, rubbing her forehead. She was already getting a headache, trying to digest all of this at once. She sighed, pressing her forehead against the cool linoleum of the table. "Tell me more. Tell me about how we became friends."

And so he did. He told her everything.

But no matter what, she just... _couldn't_. None of the memories came. Nothing felt familiar. She just felt empty.

Hollow.


	18. Alcohol

Chapter Title: Alcohol  
Warnings: Excessive, unhealthy levels of drinking.  
Author Notes: This chapter marks about the half-way point of the story. Hope you guys are enjoying it so far. Let me know if you have any suggestions, comments, questions, or critiques! All are welcome.

The walk home was long and cold. I walked up the stairs, ditching my shoes and jacket in the hall, leaving a trail of melting snow behind me. I pushed past Ayame in the hallway, completely ignoring him until I reached my room. I shut the door, softly, and locked it behind me.

I collapsed onto the bed, feeling cold, an ache growing in my chest. I'd felt like this before. When I'd woken up from my pseudo-coma, I'd felt exactly like this. Like the rest of the world fell away, and nothing mattered, and I just wanted to lay here for the rest of my life and melt away like the snow in the hallway. I didn't want to be dead, but I didn't want to move ever again either.

I smiled sadly, as the tears started rolling down my face, and my mouth felt parched. I closed my eyes, sobbing silently, the ache in my chest building to a consistent pain.

I must have laid there, crying so softly, without moving for hours. Ayame dropped by my room twice, knocking, but after the second time he'd given up. About four hours after he'd left me alone, the moon high in the night sky, I got to my feet, and padded over to my mirror.

My eyes were bloodshot, red rings proving that I'd been crying, tear tracks across my cheeks. My hair was frizzy and tangled, and my clothes were rumpled and plain.

I frowned, and went to my closet. Pulling on a pair of skinny jeans, black stiletto heels, and a lacy camisole, I tossed a warm jacket over the ensemble, turned off my cellphone, and snuck out of the house.

It was a short walk to the bar, and I didn't even need to flash my ID. The bouncer still remembered me. He smiled, trying to chat me up. I flashed him an impatient look and he let me in, telling me to not drink too much.

I ignored the warning, headed straight for the spot right in front of the bar tender, and ordered Everclear. I wasn't here to mess around. He nodded, giving me a wary look as he handed me the shot. I downed it, and demanded another. My eyes watered from the intense sting of the alcohol, and I felt my stomach toss and turn. He lined me up three more, and left to deal with another customer.

I downed all three as quickly as I could. The room started to get hazy, and I smiled, feeling that ache fade away, and I started giggling. Immediately, the world was beginning to be better. Everything was better.

All I'd needed was alcohol.


	19. Down The Rabbit Hole

**Chapter Title:** Down the Rabbit Hole  
**Warnings:** Theft, depression, very heavy drinking, addiction, etc.  
**Author Notes:** I'm not completely sure how alcohol addiction works, but if it's like the addiction I had to struggle with, this could be triggering. If you struggle with alcoholism, please don't continue reading this story. I don't want you getting hurt.

X.x.X.x.X

When I awoke, the first thing that popped into my head was the intense desire to vomit. I didn't even make it to the bathroom, leaving a trail of sick in my wake. My head felt like fireworks were going off inside of it every time I moved, and I gave up on finding aspirin quickly. Instead, I curled up on the bathroom floor, crying.

My entire body hurt, my throat burned, my stomach twisted and knotted. My head felt like it was imploding, and I couldn't see straight. My muscles felt weak and unsteady. It was one of the worst hangovers I'd ever had.

Thinking back over the night, I tried to remember what had happened. My last memory was of the third shot. After that, it was blank, empty.

That hollow feeling inside my chest intensified, as I realized the drinking had only made it worse. I started crying harder, each sob making my head explode with pain.

I would never, ever drink again. Ever. It wasn't worth it. I didn't want to get addicted again. I couldn't deal with that.

But the depression got worse. After several hours of in and out consciousness interspersed with vomiting, I finally managed to push myself to my feet and shower. Once I was clean and dressed, I cleaned the puke off the floor, and checked the time.

I'd missed my photo shoot.

With a sigh, feeling guilt settle heavy in my chest, I went to my door and found a note slipped underneath. It was from Ayame.

_I used your substitute from the temp agency today, don't worry. We planned for this when Akito went into remission. Hatori will be here at eight tonight to check on you and start you on some new medications._

_I hope you feel better._

_Love,  
Aya-chan_

I felt the tears slip over my cheeks. He thought I was sick, that this was because of my weakening immune system.

He didn't suspect a thing.

I tossed the note, and felt a lump in my chest form. Guilt, shame, depression, anxiety – all of that made it hard to breath, made my throat go dry.

Made me crave another drink.

X.x.X.x.X

I managed to resist until after Hatori's check up. He put me on 4,000 milligrams of vitamin C, among other immune-boosters, and a strictly vegetarian diet. My liver was showing signs of jaundice. Ayame was out of town for the night, a fashion show in Oosaka taking him away until at least tomorrow afternoon. I was alone again, and I didn't hesitate in heading straight for the bar. The same one as the night before.

The bartender smiled at me as I took a seat, but when I once again ordered Everclear, he frowned. "You sure that's such a good idea, lil' lady? You nearly started a fight last night on that stuff. You're too pretty to be drinkin' so heavy, darlin'."

I smiled, feeling my lip tremble with the familiar urge to cry. I'd made a fool of myself last night, apparently. I recognized easily the path I was falling back down. I drank again tonight, and I was an alcoholic. No doubt about it.

Smiling uneasily, I changed my order. "How about some nice, friendly sake then?" I asked, biting my lip. If I drank the lighter stuff, that wasn't as bad, was it?

He frowned, but handed me the shot anyways.

I downed it immediately, all thoughts of never drinking again far from my mind.

All that mattered now was getting smashed.

X.x.X.x.X

Being drunk is always better than being sober, I quickly decided. One shot, and life seemed just a little bit better. Two drinks, and I felt downright good. I'd text Hatori, flirt, and I'd be on top of the world. Then he'd have to go, and I'd have a third. At three, I felt like a God. I felt powerful, like all the problems of my life were little ants I could squelch between my toes.

Then I'd drink more. I'd drink lots more.

X.x.X.x.X

After twelve shots, the bartender cut me off. I'd beg, flirt for more, and he'd just shake his head. "Ma'am, you have a problem. You're in here every night of the week, every week."

I'd deny it, argue, act all sweet and tell him that I have a job, an amazing boyfriend, good friends, how could I be an alcoholic and have all that?

He'd just ignore me, call me a cab. Because when I tried walking to the door, I tripped over the barstool and ended up in a pile on the floor, flashing my panties to the whole bar. The boys would hoot and whistle, just like always (I'd gotten too drunk to walk home every night now for nearly a week). But this time one decided to take advantage, and slapped me on the ass.

I shrieked, surprised, and scrambled to my feet rather ungracefully. Then without a second thought, I punched the sucker in the face. I heard his nose break, and my hand break, as I went stumbling forward, knocking us both to the floor.

I moved to hit him again, but someone pulled me off him, laughing, as they shoved me into the cab waiting at the curb.

It was the same cabby as always, so I didn't have to give directions. Which is good, since I couldn't remember where I lived.

He dropped me off, and sped away the second I slammed his door shut. I composed myself, then quietly snuck into the store.

Just like always, Ayame was still asleep, and I made it all the way to my room with a hitch.

Giggling, I collapsed onto my bed, and promptly passed out.

X.x.X.x.X

After that first day of being too sick with a hangover to go to work, despite the almost nightly binge-drinking, my life gained a fairly stable rhythm. I'd wake up almost every morning with either a hangover, or just plain dehydration, clean myself up and rehydrate, then get my butt to work.

After work, I'd drop by Hatori's office with his lunch and for my daily checkup. I'd take my meds, but wouldn't eat myself because the remnants of the hangover prevented me from eating. If I ate, I'd throw up. After Hatori's, at around 2pm, I'd meet Kyo. Usually we met at a café or a park, and we'd talk. He'd tell me stories of what we used to be like, stories of the life I'd had wiped from my memory, and we'd make new memories together. He was quickly becoming my best friend again, even though he severly pissed me off sometimes.

Day by day, I was getting sicker. Akito was getting healthier, but I really never saw Akito that often. And for that I was glad. I'd be happy to never see him again.

After my secret meeting with Kyo, I'd be left feeling depressed, lost, confused. And guilty. He was so proud of the person I'd become. If only he knew how far down the rabbit hole I'd fallen.

And so I'd head straight to the bar after that, the same bar as always, and I'd drink whiskey, everclear, scotch, sake – whatever I could afford in large quantities. I'd get thoroughly wasted, take a cab home, pass out, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Welcome to my life.

Ain't it pathetic?

X.x.X.x.X

Unfortunately though, Ayame started to notice something was wrong. One morning, when I came out of my room, I found him preparing pancakes at the stove. The smell of the food made me nauseous, and so I popped an anti-nausea Hatori had given me, and took a seat at the table.

Ayame dished us both up, and we ate in an uncomfortable, tense silence. I mostly just pushed the food around on my plate, waiting for Ayame to say what he needed to. He only cooked when he wanted to talk.

Once he'd eaten most of his food, he sat back with a sigh, and stared me in the face. "Are you depressed?"

I blinked, then shook my head. "No," I added, emphasizing my point, trying to keep my anxiety in check.

"I'm worried. You're never home anymore, you don't talk to me, and it seems all you do is work and sleep. Is something wrong?"

"No."

"Promise you'll tell me?" He asked, since he clearly didn't believe me. The anxiety was plain on his face, and I felt the guilt gnawing at the back of my mind. I was hurting him. I was hurting all of them, especially Hatori. I was going to loose everything.

But with that guilt came the subtle craving for liqueur.

"I promise," I said softly, staring down at my plate.

X.x.X.x.X

After that, Ayame kept a closer eye on me. I couldn't go out to the bar as often, and now it was my third night without any alcohol.

I couldn't stop shaking, I had a horrible headache, I was throwing up constantly, and I couldn't get out of bed. I knew I was in detox.

I was like that for another 24 hours, and then I could finally drink water again. Once I had enough strength to move (Ayame was out of the house, of course), I left for the liqueur store, and promptly bought as much whiskey and everclear as I could carry.

I brought it all back home, and hid it all around my room.

Then I cracked open one of the bottles, and satisfied my thirst.

X.x.X.x.X

I was drunk pretty much all of the time on some level or another now that I kept something in my room for those nights I couldn't go out. I started drinking in the mornings, too, but not nearly as much. I went to the photo shoots intoxicated, and by the time I got to Hatori's, he couldn't tell I was tipsy. After Hatori's, I'd drop into a bar for a glass of wine, or a beer, then go out to meet Kyo.

But no matter what, I don't think I was sober the entire time.

In fact, I started losing track of time. It'd been what – a month now? Two months? – since I started drinking again. And I didn't really care. I needed it.

I couldn't live without it.

I don't know why I drank anymore, I just did.

I drank because I had to.

X.x.X.x.X

Hatori and I planned another date. We were going to the opening of a new Thai restaurant. He was so excited – every time he saw me, it was all he could talk about. He smiled a lot.

But the day of the date, nothing seemed to be going well. The dress Ayame wanted me to model didn't fit – I'd gained weight. We had to postpone the shoot until I could lose the weight, or a new dress could be made. My daily checkup with Hatori turned sour when he did an eye test. I was losing my vision – and I hadn't even noticed I'd been so drunk; my entire life was hazy these days.

A small blood test later (which amazingly showed no signs of me being intoxicated) also showed that my liver was beginning to give out. My failing immune system coupled with my, unbeknownst to Hatori, heavy drinking was killing me.

Then, when I dropped home to grab a drink before meeting Kyo, I found my entire stash depleted, and my wallet empty. I was broke.

So, with the inklings of a hangover, I went to meet Kyo. I was already upset, angry, guilty, feeling fat and ashamed, and very, very angry at myself. We fought the entire time, and cut the visit short.

I stormed home, thinking I could just go to sleep, but my hands started trembling. I felt nauseous, and my head ached.

No thoughts of repercussions, completely forgetting about my date with Hatori, I stole a twenty from Ayame's wallet, and went to put it to use.

I got drunk. The last thing I remembered was lying down on a park bench with an empty bottle of liqueur hugged to my chest.


End file.
